Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle

In Remembrance of Her

 

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Lauren Taylor Williams

 

Brigitte Nicole once said, “One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul”. This may be sound advice for some; and in most cases we go our entire lives being told to let go of one thing or another. But in the case of my angel baby Lauren, I chose to hold on. Given everything that I was going through during her loss; the thought of her, the memory of her, the potential of her life was not something I could release from my mind or heart. Her brief presence in this world was not a mistake and not a footnote in my life. The foundation of Aloha Glamour is built on her memory and her spirit so holding on to her doesn’t hurt my heart or soul but in fact helps heal them. As I begin this blog it’s my hope that the stories I share with you will bring hope, not sadness and show that even through the greatest of tragedy a seed for something amazing can be planted in your life.

Alexis Williams

#thegirlintheskirt

boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

PTS: Day 2/ Lauren’s Birthday

Warning: this post may trigger someone who has loss a child.

November 6, 2015 approximately 0200 hrs, Tripler Army Medical Center, Honolulu, HI

I’m laying in my hospital bed shivering, Ebony is sitting in a chair in my left side…Kisha on my right.

Me: ” What is that awful SMELL?”

The smell was loud and foul… I’ve never smelled anything that had been dead for a while but it sure smelt like what I would image death to smell like.

Kisha: “I was going to ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you pass gas?”

Kisha: “No, I thought it was you!”

Me: “Ebony is it you?!”

Ebony: “absolutely not!”

Me: ” can you make sure I hadn’t shit myself and don’t know it”

Ebony stands up to life the sheet to check.

I was given an epidural 40 minutes before hand because I was told I would have to deliver Lauren.

Ebony lifted the white hospital sheet and immediately put it down.

Ebony: ” I’ll be right back.”

She leaves the room and returns with the Dr. And the nurse.

The Dr. Lifts the sheet and motions for the nurse to see what’s under the cover.

Me: whaatt (teeth chatter) happened (teeth chatter)

Dr. “You delivered your baby.”

Me: shocked WHAT?!

Dr: “You didn’t feel yourself delivering her?”

Me: “NO!”

Y’all I shaking so hard, trying to stay warm, that my body had rejected my baby and I didn’t feel a contraction, a didn’t push, without notice she was evicted from my womb.

The machines I was connected to started beeping like crazy and I remember them saying, “We have to get her stable!” They were talking about me. I don’t remember exactly what they are stabilizing but I do remember going in and out of consciousness, shivering, teeth chatter, trying to get warm.

The Dr and nurse removed Lauren from under the covers and I the Dr. held her. “Shes beautiful.” I remember everyone saying.

*I’m crying as I write this*

Dr.” Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?”

With tears falling from my eyes I nod yes and was handed scissors that would sever our physical attachment… Forever.

Lauren was placed in my arms… She’s warm. She’s beautiful. Curly hair. Red Lips that won’t close.

I count her toes.

I kiss her forehead.

My head falls back as my neck could no longer support it during a shiver attack.

I lose consciousness.

The nurse takes her out of my arms to measure her… Weigh her lifeless body.

They call in an organization that takes pictures and capture moments of you with your angel baby.

I don’t remember the details as they were trying to stabilize me. They started an antibiotic drip and pushed some more meds.

I did not get a chance to spend quality time with Lauren because the state of my health and life were undetermined.

They take her to the morgue.

I’m wheeled to a step down unit just incase I code and require immediate attention.

Kisha leaves for work.

Ebony leaves to take Shalanda’s place with Kaileb and Laila to get them and Jurnee ready for school.

I sit in the step down unit… Catatonic…Just staring into space, moving in and out of consciousness like the waves at Bellows beach. Waiting for a sign that God has heard my prayer… That one of my relatives met Lauren at the gates of heaven… A sign of hope, sign that she’s at peace…

I just need a sign…

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Post Traumatic Stress: November 5, 2015

Wait, why is my pillow wet?

Oh, I started crying in my sleep and woke up with tears pouring out of my eyes. Even in my dreams my heart aches.

I’ve been deployed to two warzones and those experiences seem miniscule to the warzone and timeline that play out in my head from November 5- November 10 every year since November 2015.

I want to take you on the journey that paralyzes me every year around this time. I’m taking you with me because I’ve journeyed alone for the past 3 years and I don’t want to do this alone… Not again. I NEED you and your strength to get me through this.

Will you go with me?

November 5, 2015. 0400. Honolulu, HI

Lauren had me on a routine.

She started to kick my bladder around this time every morning and she did not fail me this day.

I rolled out of bed to use the restroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and got back in bed until my 0500 work alarm went off.

I grabbed my phone for my morning entertainment on Facebook and laid there in the fetal, intertwined with my pregnancy pillow.

0800- Glucose test!

Eewww, I hated taking this test! I always felt so much worse afterwards.

I remember sitting there for that hour feeling extremely sick, almost as if I had to throw up but I didn’t have the energy to even do that. So I sat there. For an hour per the instructions.

0915- Work

I’m at work, looking and feeling like I was dying!

I called the labor and delivery ward and told them that I was still leaking fluids and they told me it was perfectly normal.

A customer walked into my office and I distinctly remember him telling me, “Sgt Williams you look like death! Are you ok?”

I replied, ” I don’t feel well.”

I stood up to go to the restroom and I remember feeling my belly “drop”. It stopped me in my tracks. I tap on the position that Lauren was in and desperately asked her to move, kick, change positions… Nothing.

Kisha, my troop at the time, asked me if everything was alright. I remember telling her, ” something is wrong… Something doesn’t feel right.”

I ended up getting sent home to rest. Y body temperature has risen to 102 by the time I got home. (A four minute drive)

I popped a Tylenol in attempt to break the temp and laid down…I fell into a deep sleep.

The kids came home, my temperature was rising, I had the shivers bad! I’m talking teeth rattling, uncontrollable shaking, but I had to take Kaileb to his football practice. Yes I was married at the time, but that was only a legality as we had been seperated for months at this point.

I remember talking to Ebony and telling her, ” I’m going to the hospital after his practice, IF I die… Take care of my kids.”

7:30 PM- Labor and Delivery Unit, Tripler Army Medical Center

I waddle into labor and delivery, tell the receptionist that I have a fever of 103 that I can’t break, I’m shivering, teeth rattling, and I haven’t felt my baby move since this morning.

She hangs me a cup to urinate in and I sit in the waiting room for 30 MINUTES!

I’m finally taken to a room and I sit there for another 20 minutes before a tech comes to apply the belly heart monitor.

She placed the heart monitor on my belly and keeps adjusting to. She moves it from the left side to the right. NOTHING.

She then says to me, ” Hold tight, I’ll be right back.” I instantly knew that she was gone but the tech didn’t tell me that.

One minute later, a male nurse walks in with an ultrasound machine. The screen is turned away from me. He applies the cold gel onto my belly and we searched. I say we, he looked for the heartbeat as I listened for a heartbeat…. NOTHING.

He left the room in a hurry and when the door opened again it was a female Dr. She’s too searched on the ultrasound monitor… She turned the screen around to me and said, ” This is your baby… This is where her heart should be beating… And it’s not.”

“I’m going to get the specialist to make sure what I’m telling you is true.”

They left the room… And I burst into tears!

I immediately got down on both knees in the hospital and prayed to God! I don’t know what compelled me to pray for my strength, for my daughter I’d lost, for my mind… But I was desperate! I guess my spirit knew what my flesh didn’t. I would be up against A LOT following my loss.

I sent a text to Ebony and Kisha and told them the devastating news. Ebony traded places with Shalanda who took over watching the kids while Ebony came to the hospital to be with me.

The specialist came back into the room and said, ” You can decide if you want to deliver her tonight or sometime this week. ” We are going to send you home and make sure you follow up.”

I looked at her in disbelief and said. ” You can’t send me home with a 103 fever.”

She said, ” Oh, I didn’t know you had a fever.” “We are going to have to admit you.”

What’s crazy is, I immediately thought about my children who were at home and how I would take care of them while being admitted. We as women think about everybody else before we think about ourselves.

Anyway, they put me into another room. I’m still shivering so much so that I can’t finish a complete sentence. I was hot and cold at the same time.

40 minutes later Ebony walked in and Kisha waddled in four steps behind her. Kisha and I were both pregnant and I think her due date were a couple weeks after my original due date.

I laid there. Hot and cold. Shivering and sobbing. Nothing or no one was able console me.

I had just lost a piece of me and wasn’t sure if I was going to survive.

Alexis

Contact Info:

Website: http://www.alohaglamour.shop

Email: alexis@alohaglamourboutique.com

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Life….Is Precious

Today is hard.

As I look at this picture from my daughter’s funeral… Im reminded of how precious life and birthdays really are.

When you survive loss… Everyone is quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be.

But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief do they… It’s not optional.

You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow, and pray that you will make it. 😢

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

Punch in the GUT

I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise, I swear I heard the birds chirping, and Cinderella singing in the far distance.

My morning was going GREAT until I logged into Facebook and they reminded me that on this day 4 years ago I had announced to the word that there would be a “New Girl in Town”.

*Gut Punch*

Grief really does come in waves… And right now I’m drowning😢

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Confirmation

Have you ever met someone and felt like God was using them to deliver the confirmation about all of the things he’s been whispering into your spirit?

I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotion for the past few days because I connected with a woman by the name of Mahogany that I met on Facebook.

We connected because she made a post about feeling “stuck” in life and I could sooooooo relate.

Since losing Lauren I’ve had the idea about hosting and throwing an Annual Baby Shower for women who may not have the means for one, to honor and celebrate them as new and or seasoned mother’s.

You see, Lauren died a week and a half after her baby shower so I felt it fitting that this type of event would be the most appropriate considering the circumstances.

Anyway, Mahogany didn’t know anything about me or those plans and she spoke some things about and into my life and I KNEW it was nothing BUT GOD using her.

I said all of this to say that I am happy to announce my plans for creating The Lauren Taylor Foundation and I am excited about the events we will bring to the community and the platform this foundation will create.💕

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TERMS

Let your own conditions how the world deals with you.

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And let your own words be how the world describes you.

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Live your life in your own terms

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Define success by your own terms

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Demand to be loved on your terms

.

But wear designer fits by @alohaglamour

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#Alohaglamsquad #alohaglam #plussizeinfluencer #plussizefashion #curvystyle #plussizeinspiration #plussizeblogger #plusfashion #plussizeclothing #fullfigurecurved #curvythick #fatfine #honormycurves #celebratemysize #africanboutique #needit #churchfashion #proverbs #womensfashionista #churchflow #ootd #godlywoman #womanoffaith #churchgirl #woman #godlywomen #shopping #dress #modest

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Being a woman is hard AF!!!

No boobs?! Buy some.

Short?! Just wear heels.

Tall for a woman?! Wear flats, ESPECIALLY, if you have a man that’s shorter than you.

Gain weight?! Go to Mexico and have surgery that just may kill you.

Your husband cheats on you?! Oh honey, that’s your fault because you’ve LET YOURSELF GO!

Chhhiiilllleeeee I tried my best to hold my tongue about the whole Lela Roshon scandal because I’ve been in her shoes… Both of them!

My husband, now ex-husband (Won’t he do it!), cheated on me AND I gained weight!!!

Just because a woman goes up a couple of dress sizes, DOES NOT give you the ok to body shame her because life happens and I’m sure your weight hasn’t been the same since you came into this world.

I remember when I returned to my home state of Mississippi after having traveled the world for the past 12 years due to the Air Force.

What people focused on the most upon seeing me was the fact that I’ve gained weight since the last time they’d seen me.

Unbeknownst to them…. I was just six months pregnant, two months ago, and I had lost my daughter.

I only returned home to heal and be around family; but all they could focus on was the by-product of my grief, hypothyroidism, and low vitamin D… My fatness.

This is why Aloha Glamour is AGAINST body shaming! This is why most of Aloha Glamour’s garments have an elastic waist band so you can gain or lose weight without worrying about IF your clothing will fit. (It saves you a lot of money too, btw)

But let me tell you what we not gone do! No longer will we body shame someone we’ve not seen in a while because we don’t know the private battles or illnesses they are battling.

I understand that a lot of women don’t know how to dress their body type because they don’t understand their body type.

If you’re that woman… You need our guide… You can find it here: http://www.alohaglamour.com

Let’s change the narrative!

Just say no to body shaming!

Like.

Comment and let me know how you feel about the whole situation.

Share this with your friends and family and let them know that we will not stand for this!

Peace, Love, and Glamour

Lexii🍍

Shop: http://www.alohaglamour.shop

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AfroWaiian Clothing Boutique, boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, lifestyle

Just keep pushing

You fall, you rise, you make mistakes, you live, you learn. You are human, not perfect.

You have been hurt, but you are alive-to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love.

Sometimes there is a sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty.

We must keep putting one foot in front of the other even when we hurt, for we will never know what is waiting for us around the bend. 💖

Shirt: Torrid

Skirt: Aloha Glamour

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Facebook Memories: 3 Years ago

All I wanted was to hear you cry….too see your chest rise and fall from breathing. I live every single day without one of my children and it hurts. I wake up and go to bed broken hearted EVERY DAY. #motherslove #mothersday #missingbabyLaurenTaylor #myangel #silenttears

I made that post three years ago today. The deep destruction of grief was alive and rampant in my life and I thank God for keeping my mind. I thank God for giving me the power to fight daily and instilling in me the will to live. I am still grieving, I always will. But I just realized that having a bad day, like yesterday, is nothing in comparison to how I use to feel in a daily basis.

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Living My BEST life

Right now, she’s living her best life.

She’s focused on herself.

She’s falling in love with who she is.

She’s excited about where she is headed, and she’s excited about what is next.

She has so many goals, so many dreams, so much ambition, and she’s constantly finding new passions.

She’s learning to be spontaneous.

She’s learning to take risks.

And she’s constantly stepping outside of her comfort zone.

You see- right now, she’s just chasing what makes her happy–the things that feed her soul.

And to be honest with you- she could care less about what anyone else is doing.

She could care less about what anybody else thinks. Because right now, her life is filled with so much peace.

So much light.

So much color.

So much faith.

And so much hope…

She’s living her best life and there’s absolutely nothing, or no one that can get in the way of that! RS 💕🍍