boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

PTS: Day 2/ Lauren’s Birthday

Warning: this post may trigger someone who has loss a child.

November 6, 2015 approximately 0200 hrs, Tripler Army Medical Center, Honolulu, HI

I’m laying in my hospital bed shivering, Ebony is sitting in a chair in my left side…Kisha on my right.

Me: ” What is that awful SMELL?”

The smell was loud and foul… I’ve never smelled anything that had been dead for a while but it sure smelt like what I would image death to smell like.

Kisha: “I was going to ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you pass gas?”

Kisha: “No, I thought it was you!”

Me: “Ebony is it you?!”

Ebony: “absolutely not!”

Me: ” can you make sure I hadn’t shit myself and don’t know it”

Ebony stands up to life the sheet to check.

I was given an epidural 40 minutes before hand because I was told I would have to deliver Lauren.

Ebony lifted the white hospital sheet and immediately put it down.

Ebony: ” I’ll be right back.”

She leaves the room and returns with the Dr. And the nurse.

The Dr. Lifts the sheet and motions for the nurse to see what’s under the cover.

Me: whaatt (teeth chatter) happened (teeth chatter)

Dr. “You delivered your baby.”

Me: shocked WHAT?!

Dr: “You didn’t feel yourself delivering her?”

Me: “NO!”

Y’all I shaking so hard, trying to stay warm, that my body had rejected my baby and I didn’t feel a contraction, a didn’t push, without notice she was evicted from my womb.

The machines I was connected to started beeping like crazy and I remember them saying, “We have to get her stable!” They were talking about me. I don’t remember exactly what they are stabilizing but I do remember going in and out of consciousness, shivering, teeth chatter, trying to get warm.

The Dr and nurse removed Lauren from under the covers and I the Dr. held her. “Shes beautiful.” I remember everyone saying.

*I’m crying as I write this*

Dr.” Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?”

With tears falling from my eyes I nod yes and was handed scissors that would sever our physical attachment… Forever.

Lauren was placed in my arms… She’s warm. She’s beautiful. Curly hair. Red Lips that won’t close.

I count her toes.

I kiss her forehead.

My head falls back as my neck could no longer support it during a shiver attack.

I lose consciousness.

The nurse takes her out of my arms to measure her… Weigh her lifeless body.

They call in an organization that takes pictures and capture moments of you with your angel baby.

I don’t remember the details as they were trying to stabilize me. They started an antibiotic drip and pushed some more meds.

I did not get a chance to spend quality time with Lauren because the state of my health and life were undetermined.

They take her to the morgue.

I’m wheeled to a step down unit just incase I code and require immediate attention.

Kisha leaves for work.

Ebony leaves to take Shalanda’s place with Kaileb and Laila to get them and Jurnee ready for school.

I sit in the step down unit… Catatonic…Just staring into space, moving in and out of consciousness like the waves at Bellows beach. Waiting for a sign that God has heard my prayer… That one of my relatives met Lauren at the gates of heaven… A sign of hope, sign that she’s at peace…

I just need a sign…

AfroWaiian Clothing Boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle

Post Traumatic Stress: November 5, 2015

Wait, why is my pillow wet?

Oh, I started crying in my sleep and woke up with tears pouring out of my eyes. Even in my dreams my heart aches.

I’ve been deployed to two warzones and those experiences seem miniscule to the warzone and timeline that play out in my head from November 5- November 10 every year since November 2015.

I want to take you on the journey that paralyzes me every year around this time. I’m taking you with me because I’ve journeyed alone for the past 3 years and I don’t want to do this alone… Not again. I NEED you and your strength to get me through this.

Will you go with me?

November 5, 2015. 0400. Honolulu, HI

Lauren had me on a routine.

She started to kick my bladder around this time every morning and she did not fail me this day.

I rolled out of bed to use the restroom, wash my face, brush my teeth, and got back in bed until my 0500 work alarm went off.

I grabbed my phone for my morning entertainment on Facebook and laid there in the fetal, intertwined with my pregnancy pillow.

0800- Glucose test!

Eewww, I hated taking this test! I always felt so much worse afterwards.

I remember sitting there for that hour feeling extremely sick, almost as if I had to throw up but I didn’t have the energy to even do that. So I sat there. For an hour per the instructions.

0915- Work

I’m at work, looking and feeling like I was dying!

I called the labor and delivery ward and told them that I was still leaking fluids and they told me it was perfectly normal.

A customer walked into my office and I distinctly remember him telling me, “Sgt Williams you look like death! Are you ok?”

I replied, ” I don’t feel well.”

I stood up to go to the restroom and I remember feeling my belly “drop”. It stopped me in my tracks. I tap on the position that Lauren was in and desperately asked her to move, kick, change positions… Nothing.

Kisha, my troop at the time, asked me if everything was alright. I remember telling her, ” something is wrong… Something doesn’t feel right.”

I ended up getting sent home to rest. Y body temperature has risen to 102 by the time I got home. (A four minute drive)

I popped a Tylenol in attempt to break the temp and laid down…I fell into a deep sleep.

The kids came home, my temperature was rising, I had the shivers bad! I’m talking teeth rattling, uncontrollable shaking, but I had to take Kaileb to his football practice. Yes I was married at the time, but that was only a legality as we had been seperated for months at this point.

I remember talking to Ebony and telling her, ” I’m going to the hospital after his practice, IF I die… Take care of my kids.”

7:30 PM- Labor and Delivery Unit, Tripler Army Medical Center

I waddle into labor and delivery, tell the receptionist that I have a fever of 103 that I can’t break, I’m shivering, teeth rattling, and I haven’t felt my baby move since this morning.

She hangs me a cup to urinate in and I sit in the waiting room for 30 MINUTES!

I’m finally taken to a room and I sit there for another 20 minutes before a tech comes to apply the belly heart monitor.

She placed the heart monitor on my belly and keeps adjusting to. She moves it from the left side to the right. NOTHING.

She then says to me, ” Hold tight, I’ll be right back.” I instantly knew that she was gone but the tech didn’t tell me that.

One minute later, a male nurse walks in with an ultrasound machine. The screen is turned away from me. He applies the cold gel onto my belly and we searched. I say we, he looked for the heartbeat as I listened for a heartbeat…. NOTHING.

He left the room in a hurry and when the door opened again it was a female Dr. She’s too searched on the ultrasound monitor… She turned the screen around to me and said, ” This is your baby… This is where her heart should be beating… And it’s not.”

“I’m going to get the specialist to make sure what I’m telling you is true.”

They left the room… And I burst into tears!

I immediately got down on both knees in the hospital and prayed to God! I don’t know what compelled me to pray for my strength, for my daughter I’d lost, for my mind… But I was desperate! I guess my spirit knew what my flesh didn’t. I would be up against A LOT following my loss.

I sent a text to Ebony and Kisha and told them the devastating news. Ebony traded places with Shalanda who took over watching the kids while Ebony came to the hospital to be with me.

The specialist came back into the room and said, ” You can decide if you want to deliver her tonight or sometime this week. ” We are going to send you home and make sure you follow up.”

I looked at her in disbelief and said. ” You can’t send me home with a 103 fever.”

She said, ” Oh, I didn’t know you had a fever.” “We are going to have to admit you.”

What’s crazy is, I immediately thought about my children who were at home and how I would take care of them while being admitted. We as women think about everybody else before we think about ourselves.

Anyway, they put me into another room. I’m still shivering so much so that I can’t finish a complete sentence. I was hot and cold at the same time.

40 minutes later Ebony walked in and Kisha waddled in four steps behind her. Kisha and I were both pregnant and I think her due date were a couple weeks after my original due date.

I laid there. Hot and cold. Shivering and sobbing. Nothing or no one was able console me.

I had just lost a piece of me and wasn’t sure if I was going to survive.

Alexis

Contact Info:

Website: http://www.alohaglamour.shop

Email: alexis@alohaglamourboutique.com

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

Punch in the GUT

I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise, I swear I heard the birds chirping, and Cinderella singing in the far distance.

My morning was going GREAT until I logged into Facebook and they reminded me that on this day 4 years ago I had announced to the word that there would be a “New Girl in Town”.

*Gut Punch*

Grief really does come in waves… And right now I’m drowning😢

AfroWaiian Clothing Boutique, boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Grief, lifestyle, loss

Confirmation

Have you ever met someone and felt like God was using them to deliver the confirmation about all of the things he’s been whispering into your spirit?

I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotion for the past few days because I connected with a woman by the name of Mahogany that I met on Facebook.

We connected because she made a post about feeling “stuck” in life and I could sooooooo relate.

Since losing Lauren I’ve had the idea about hosting and throwing an Annual Baby Shower for women who may not have the means for one, to honor and celebrate them as new and or seasoned mother’s.

You see, Lauren died a week and a half after her baby shower so I felt it fitting that this type of event would be the most appropriate considering the circumstances.

Anyway, Mahogany didn’t know anything about me or those plans and she spoke some things about and into my life and I KNEW it was nothing BUT GOD using her.

I said all of this to say that I am happy to announce my plans for creating The Lauren Taylor Foundation and I am excited about the events we will bring to the community and the platform this foundation will create.💕

AfroWaiian Clothing Boutique, boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief

Live Your Life In Color

Owning your story is the bravest thing you will ever do!

This is the photo that started @alohaglamour.

I PCS’d two months after my daughter, Lauren Taylor, died and PCS’d to Biloxi, MS.

The 1st year after my loss I lived my life in black and white… Just going through the motions of adulting. Until I traveled back to Hawaii to celebrate her 1st birthday. This photo was taken on Lauren Taylor’s, first birthday at Bellows AirForce Base in Hawaii🌺.

Tell me what’s the first thing you see when you look at it?

COLOR!!!!

The Air Force teaches us a LOT of principles/ techniques, one of which is how to be resilient. How to bounce back when it seems as of the odds are against you…when you feel like you are surrounded by darkness.

I’ve heard it says that the greatest loss a parent can feel is the loss of a child. It doesn’t just change you, it demolishes you. That is true. The rest of your life is spent on another level and because of that I thank God for resiliency.

Here’s to living the rest of my life in color!!!

Will you join the movement?

https://www.alohaglamour.shop

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, loss

The Girl In The Skirt

On this day, exactly one year ago, I had an aha moment…

I realized that losing my daughter was bigger than the pain I felt everyday.

It was when I realized that I could create a platform that would empower women of all shapes and sizes… And look glamourous while doing it.

You see , initially, I started Aloha Glamour just to fill a void. I needed to do SOMETHING so I would not lose what I had left of my mind.

My daughter, Lauren Taylor, was born and died on November 6, 2015 while I was stationed in Hawaii. Therefore, I felt it was fitting to name my business Aloha Glamour to honor her as well as keep her memory alive.

Do not live your life just going through the motions of life. For a long time, I saw the world in black and white after I lost my daughter… And my clothes reflected that mood. Aloha Glamour changed that for me and I want it to do the same for you!!!

But it’s more than just skirts for me.

Aloha Glamour is THE lifestyle movement that promotes women to love themselves whole heartedly while living their life in color.

We are a community of women that empower others as well as assists them with finding their voice, turning their tragedy into a triumph, and helping them build from the inside out.

We want them to be able to feel confident and pretty, while keeping it cute and covered, one skirt at a time.

Aloha Glamour is THE MOVEMENT that is helping EVERY woman be great in their own way and we want them to create a story in each and every skirt they wear.

What’s the color of your story?

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle

Learn to swim

“But I can’t swim” I said.

In which he replied, “I can and I will save you… If you let me.”

It has been a while since I have had a day like yesterday.

Where all I want to do is lay in bed and drown myself in my tears.

For a while I thought I had become numb to the pain of losing Lauren.

Reality proved otherwise on yesterday.

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, loss

Three Years Later

Three years ago ,today, was the day my whole world changed.

I had my own notion of grief, before this this day.

I thought it was a sad time that followed the death of a loved one.

And you’d have to push through.

But rather,

There is an absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete, but rather endure.

Grief is not a task to finish, to just move on, but an element of yourself-an alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing things.

A new definition of self.

My baby would have been turning three on tomorrow😢

Rest in heaven Lauren Taylor Williams

Love you always,

Mom

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle

Surviving to live

This photo popped up as a Facebook memory this morning.

In this photo was close to 6 months pregnant with Lauren. By this time I had officially come to terms that I was starting completely over, in terms of raising children. My oldest at the time was 12….

When I started Aloha Glamour , in rememberance of her, people kept saying I was brave. I fight the desire to laugh each time it’s said.

I didn’t feel brave.

I felt far from brave.

I was scared.

Terrified.

Heartbroken.

Broken.

I was holding my breath to see if I could survive the journey I was forced to walk.

#alohaglamour #rihlaurentaylor #laurentaylor #motherofangels #mybabyhaswings

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle

Scars

Location: North Shore, Hawaii

Island: Oahu

Hawaii is my favorite place to visit. I have a love/hate relationship with the Island of Oahu because of all that I have lost here. As I drive around this beautiful gloomy island I think of all that I have lost. I come to the conclusion that not all scars are bad

Not all experiences are horrible. Of course it doesn’t seem that way while going through the storm but I’ve learned that You will fall. You will rise. You will win some. You will lose some. You make mistakes. You live. You love. You learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive- to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love so much. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one step in front of the other even when we don’t want to–even it if hurts. We must challenge and conquer our demons and wear our scars as wings. 💋