boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

PTS: Day 2/ Lauren’s Birthday

Warning: this post may trigger someone who has loss a child.

November 6, 2015 approximately 0200 hrs, Tripler Army Medical Center, Honolulu, HI

I’m laying in my hospital bed shivering, Ebony is sitting in a chair in my left side…Kisha on my right.

Me: ” What is that awful SMELL?”

The smell was loud and foul… I’ve never smelled anything that had been dead for a while but it sure smelt like what I would image death to smell like.

Kisha: “I was going to ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you pass gas?”

Kisha: “No, I thought it was you!”

Me: “Ebony is it you?!”

Ebony: “absolutely not!”

Me: ” can you make sure I hadn’t shit myself and don’t know it”

Ebony stands up to life the sheet to check.

I was given an epidural 40 minutes before hand because I was told I would have to deliver Lauren.

Ebony lifted the white hospital sheet and immediately put it down.

Ebony: ” I’ll be right back.”

She leaves the room and returns with the Dr. And the nurse.

The Dr. Lifts the sheet and motions for the nurse to see what’s under the cover.

Me: whaatt (teeth chatter) happened (teeth chatter)

Dr. “You delivered your baby.”

Me: shocked WHAT?!

Dr: “You didn’t feel yourself delivering her?”

Me: “NO!”

Y’all I shaking so hard, trying to stay warm, that my body had rejected my baby and I didn’t feel a contraction, a didn’t push, without notice she was evicted from my womb.

The machines I was connected to started beeping like crazy and I remember them saying, “We have to get her stable!” They were talking about me. I don’t remember exactly what they are stabilizing but I do remember going in and out of consciousness, shivering, teeth chatter, trying to get warm.

The Dr and nurse removed Lauren from under the covers and I the Dr. held her. “Shes beautiful.” I remember everyone saying.

*I’m crying as I write this*

Dr.” Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?”

With tears falling from my eyes I nod yes and was handed scissors that would sever our physical attachment… Forever.

Lauren was placed in my arms… She’s warm. She’s beautiful. Curly hair. Red Lips that won’t close.

I count her toes.

I kiss her forehead.

My head falls back as my neck could no longer support it during a shiver attack.

I lose consciousness.

The nurse takes her out of my arms to measure her… Weigh her lifeless body.

They call in an organization that takes pictures and capture moments of you with your angel baby.

I don’t remember the details as they were trying to stabilize me. They started an antibiotic drip and pushed some more meds.

I did not get a chance to spend quality time with Lauren because the state of my health and life were undetermined.

They take her to the morgue.

I’m wheeled to a step down unit just incase I code and require immediate attention.

Kisha leaves for work.

Ebony leaves to take Shalanda’s place with Kaileb and Laila to get them and Jurnee ready for school.

I sit in the step down unit… Catatonic…Just staring into space, moving in and out of consciousness like the waves at Bellows beach. Waiting for a sign that God has heard my prayer… That one of my relatives met Lauren at the gates of heaven… A sign of hope, sign that she’s at peace…

I just need a sign…