Three Years Later

Three years ago ,today, was the day my whole world changed.

I had my own notion of grief, before this this day.

I thought it was a sad time that followed the death of a loved one.

And you’d have to push through.

But rather,

There is an absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete, but rather endure.

Grief is not a task to finish, to just move on, but an element of yourself-an alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing things.

A new definition of self.

My baby would have been turning three on tomorrow😢

Rest in heaven Lauren Taylor Williams

Love you always,

Mom

Surviving to live

This photo popped up as a Facebook memory this morning.

In this photo was close to 6 months pregnant with Lauren. By this time I had officially come to terms that I was starting completely over, in terms of raising children. My oldest at the time was 12….

When I started Aloha Glamour , in rememberance of her, people kept saying I was brave. I fight the desire to laugh each time it’s said.

I didn’t feel brave.

I felt far from brave.

I was scared.

Terrified.

Heartbroken.

Broken.

I was holding my breath to see if I could survive the journey I was forced to walk.

#alohaglamour #rihlaurentaylor #laurentaylor #motherofangels #mybabyhaswings

Scars

Location: North Shore, Hawaii

Island: Oahu

Hawaii is my favorite place to visit. I have a love/hate relationship with the Island of Oahu because of all that I have lost here. As I drive around this beautiful gloomy island I think of all that I have lost. I come to the conclusion that not all scars are bad

Not all experiences are horrible. Of course it doesn’t seem that way while going through the storm but I’ve learned that You will fall. You will rise. You will win some. You will lose some. You make mistakes. You live. You love. You learn. You’re human, not perfect. You’ve been hurt, but you’re alive. Think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive- to breathe, to think, to enjoy, and to chase the things you love so much. Sometimes there is sadness in our journey, but there is also lots of beauty. We must keep putting one step in front of the other even when we don’t want to–even it if hurts. We must challenge and conquer our demons and wear our scars as wings. 💋

Dreaming with a broken heart

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part…” Dreaming with a broken heart by John Mayer continuously plays on repeat in my head.

This time two years ago, November 7, 2015, I was on my second day of my five day stay in Tripler Army Medical Center’s Labor and Delivery Ward. By this time I had been up for 48 hours. The medical staff would try their best to end my pain of losing my daughter Lauren. The attending physician prescribed almost every anxiety med that there was to ease my pain… To stop the crying and the shaking… But nothing worked. At this point I was emotionally drained as I was busy trying to silence the crying babies that surrounded my hospital room. I did not understand why they would put an actively grieving mother in the middle of the Labor and Delivery floor where I could HEAR babies cry. Especially, when all I wanted was to hear my baby cry when she was born silent. I would recieve phone calls from my parents every hour on the hour. Not much was discussed through my constant sob… My parents helpless because I was physically stationed 4,262 miles away from my humble beginnings in Gulfport, Ms. I sat up in that hospital bed on a constant antibiotic drip running through my veins… Trying to cure the same infection that claimed my daughter’s life less than 24 hours ago. I wanted to die! Not to die, but to ease the pain of losing my baby girl😢. Every year… November 5-10 I re-live those 5 days I spent fighting for my life and broken.

4 Words

4 words.

“There is no heartbeat. ”

These 4 words, last year, changed the life I had.

As soon as I got to Labor and Delivery, I told the nurse who was checking me in that I hadn’t notice movement from my daughter since this morning. I told her I had a fever of 104 and rising and could not break it. I was shivering, cold, and could barely walk. Without looking up, she handed me a sample cup and sat me in a waiting room for 20 minutes!!! I was 7 months pregnant and I sat there for 20 freaking minutes before they put me in a room to check for a heart beat. She placed the belly monitor around me, adjusted it 5 times and left in a panic. She couldn’t find the heartbeat…but of course she didn’t tell me…I just knew. The next face I would see was a male nurse. He adjusted and adjusted and adjusted the straps….nothing. He left without saying a word. The Dr. Walked in with an ultrasound machine. I could see the imagine of my baby, but no flutter of her heart. The Dr. Looked at me and said, “This is your baby, and this is where her heart beat should be. ” “There is no heartbeat.”

4 words.

It will never be the same again.

I will never be the same again.

#childloss #grief #twoyearsago #grievingbabyLauren #mamaslove #RIH #mood

Facebook Memories: A celebration of friends

“Family isn’t always blood. A friend who understands your tears is much more valuable than a lot of friends who only know your smile.”

Today my Facebook memory was about those friends who were physically there with me in Hawaii after my loss. There is no amount of money I could ever inherit that could or would pay them back for the invaluable time, effort, love, or resources they used to help get me through… But I wanted to use this platform to highlight some of the things they have done by sharing with you all my Facebook memory from last year.

Let me tell you about my WCWs: Ebony, Kisha, JJ, and Shalanda. You never know if your “friends” will be there for you during hard times but in my case, they were. Let me tell you about Ebony… When I was going through my divorce, she was there for me. When I called her from the hospital telling her I had lost Lauren her and Kisha came up to the hospital and they stayed with me until I delivered her the next morning. The only reason she left was to ensure the kids ate breakfast and made it to school on time. From 5-10 November she, Kisha, JJ, and Shalanda juggled work, their kids, my kids, and a 24 hour on site hospital schedule ensuring I was never alone during my 5 day hospital stay. She went above and beyond by moving into my house for 45 days after my release, she planned Lauren’s funeral, paid for all of the upfront costs and even got her base commander to plant a tree, on the base, in Lauren’s honor. Yesterday, she sent me the placard that was placed on the rock in front of Lauren’s tree. Here it is 7 months later and she’s still taking care of things for me in my absence. I could NOT have asked for a better friend or a set of better friends. Everyone that knows me knows that I’m not that great of expressing my feelings. But today my WCW is dedicated to everyone that called me, texted me, came by to visit and pray with me, sent flowers and cooked… and more importantly to my crew: Kisha, Shalanda, and JJ. To Ebony, I appreciate your unwavering friendship, love, and support during my time of need. Every month from the 5th-10th I relive my loss but today I smile. #sippigirls #missingbabyLaurenTaylor #myangel #hawaiianprincess #stillbeautiful #friends #SCF #beautyinboots #besties
I don’t know where I would be without my friends. What about you?

It Could Have Been A Watermelon

 

 

 

Pregnancy cravings… When you gotta have it, you just gotta have it right? Well during my pregnancy with Lauren the two things I craved the most were pineapples and watermelon. Now as all of you other mothers know; when we crave something during pregnancy there is no rhyme or reason to it. But in this case I believe my cravings where laying the foundation for a period of healing that I didn’t know was coming. Sharing the loss of Lauren with you guys has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and even now as I type and read my words I can still feel her; however the hurt of it all is lessened each day by the strength of what she has apparently left with me.

As I sat around my office a few days ago planning for an upcoming pop-up shop I was looking at Aloha Glamour’s logo and the strangest realization hit me. I have been on this really strong pineapple kick as of late. From pineapple shaped cups to pineapple shaped lamps to pineapple jelly, it’s been all I’m attracted to. So much so it feels like a craving all over again. Since I started Aloha Glamour it’s gone through a number of “face lifts” before getting to this point. I think all those transistion points were guiding me and teaching me just what my cravings with her taught me. That there is no rhyme or reason to life. We go through life and we try things, we do things, we experience things. Sometimes they work out and sometimes they don’t. But in each situation there is an opportunity for growth if you’ll open yourself to understanding it.

In this case my understanding of who Lauren could have been to me and this world and just who I am as a mother and woman lives in Aloha Glamour’s pineapple logo. Her little life inside me just wanted pineapples and watermelon. That’s all she knew at that time. So it’s only right that as I carry her spirit with me, she gets to keep her pineapple.

But it’s not lost on me the fact that I could have just as easly gone on a watermelon kick and imagine how odd Aloha Glamour’s logo would look as a watermelon. I think she helped mommy pick the right one. 😉

Alexis Williams

#thegirlintheskirt

In Remembrance of Her

 

Lauren Taylor Williams

 

Brigitte Nicole once said, “One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul”. This may be sound advice for some; and in most cases we go our entire lives being told to let go of one thing or another. But in the case of my angel baby Lauren, I chose to hold on. Given everything that I was going through during her loss; the thought of her, the memory of her, the potential of her life was not something I could release from my mind or heart. Her brief presence in this world was not a mistake and not a footnote in my life. The foundation of Aloha Glamour is built on her memory and her spirit so holding on to her doesn’t hurt my heart or soul but in fact helps heal them. As I begin this blog it’s my hope that the stories I share with you will bring hope, not sadness and show that even through the greatest of tragedy a seed for something amazing can be planted in your life.

Alexis Williams

#thegirlintheskirt