boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

PTS: Day 2/ Lauren’s Birthday

Warning: this post may trigger someone who has loss a child.

November 6, 2015 approximately 0200 hrs, Tripler Army Medical Center, Honolulu, HI

I’m laying in my hospital bed shivering, Ebony is sitting in a chair in my left side…Kisha on my right.

Me: ” What is that awful SMELL?”

The smell was loud and foul… I’ve never smelled anything that had been dead for a while but it sure smelt like what I would image death to smell like.

Kisha: “I was going to ask you the same thing!”

Me: “Did you pass gas?”

Kisha: “No, I thought it was you!”

Me: “Ebony is it you?!”

Ebony: “absolutely not!”

Me: ” can you make sure I hadn’t shit myself and don’t know it”

Ebony stands up to life the sheet to check.

I was given an epidural 40 minutes before hand because I was told I would have to deliver Lauren.

Ebony lifted the white hospital sheet and immediately put it down.

Ebony: ” I’ll be right back.”

She leaves the room and returns with the Dr. And the nurse.

The Dr. Lifts the sheet and motions for the nurse to see what’s under the cover.

Me: whaatt (teeth chatter) happened (teeth chatter)

Dr. “You delivered your baby.”

Me: shocked WHAT?!

Dr: “You didn’t feel yourself delivering her?”

Me: “NO!”

Y’all I shaking so hard, trying to stay warm, that my body had rejected my baby and I didn’t feel a contraction, a didn’t push, without notice she was evicted from my womb.

The machines I was connected to started beeping like crazy and I remember them saying, “We have to get her stable!” They were talking about me. I don’t remember exactly what they are stabilizing but I do remember going in and out of consciousness, shivering, teeth chatter, trying to get warm.

The Dr and nurse removed Lauren from under the covers and I the Dr. held her. “Shes beautiful.” I remember everyone saying.

*I’m crying as I write this*

Dr.” Would you like to cut the umbilical cord?”

With tears falling from my eyes I nod yes and was handed scissors that would sever our physical attachment… Forever.

Lauren was placed in my arms… She’s warm. She’s beautiful. Curly hair. Red Lips that won’t close.

I count her toes.

I kiss her forehead.

My head falls back as my neck could no longer support it during a shiver attack.

I lose consciousness.

The nurse takes her out of my arms to measure her… Weigh her lifeless body.

They call in an organization that takes pictures and capture moments of you with your angel baby.

I don’t remember the details as they were trying to stabilize me. They started an antibiotic drip and pushed some more meds.

I did not get a chance to spend quality time with Lauren because the state of my health and life were undetermined.

They take her to the morgue.

I’m wheeled to a step down unit just incase I code and require immediate attention.

Kisha leaves for work.

Ebony leaves to take Shalanda’s place with Kaileb and Laila to get them and Jurnee ready for school.

I sit in the step down unit… Catatonic…Just staring into space, moving in and out of consciousness like the waves at Bellows beach. Waiting for a sign that God has heard my prayer… That one of my relatives met Lauren at the gates of heaven… A sign of hope, sign that she’s at peace…

I just need a sign…

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle, loss

Punch in the GUT

I woke up this morning to a beautiful sunrise, I swear I heard the birds chirping, and Cinderella singing in the far distance.

My morning was going GREAT until I logged into Facebook and they reminded me that on this day 4 years ago I had announced to the word that there would be a “New Girl in Town”.

*Gut Punch*

Grief really does come in waves… And right now I’m drowning😢

AfroWaiian Clothing Boutique, boutique, Browngirlswhoblog, Grief, lifestyle, loss

Confirmation

Have you ever met someone and felt like God was using them to deliver the confirmation about all of the things he’s been whispering into your spirit?

I’ve been so overwhelmed with emotion for the past few days because I connected with a woman by the name of Mahogany that I met on Facebook.

We connected because she made a post about feeling “stuck” in life and I could sooooooo relate.

Since losing Lauren I’ve had the idea about hosting and throwing an Annual Baby Shower for women who may not have the means for one, to honor and celebrate them as new and or seasoned mother’s.

You see, Lauren died a week and a half after her baby shower so I felt it fitting that this type of event would be the most appropriate considering the circumstances.

Anyway, Mahogany didn’t know anything about me or those plans and she spoke some things about and into my life and I KNEW it was nothing BUT GOD using her.

I said all of this to say that I am happy to announce my plans for creating The Lauren Taylor Foundation and I am excited about the events we will bring to the community and the platform this foundation will create.💕

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, loss

The Girl In The Skirt

On this day, exactly one year ago, I had an aha moment…

I realized that losing my daughter was bigger than the pain I felt everyday.

It was when I realized that I could create a platform that would empower women of all shapes and sizes… And look glamourous while doing it.

You see , initially, I started Aloha Glamour just to fill a void. I needed to do SOMETHING so I would not lose what I had left of my mind.

My daughter, Lauren Taylor, was born and died on November 6, 2015 while I was stationed in Hawaii. Therefore, I felt it was fitting to name my business Aloha Glamour to honor her as well as keep her memory alive.

Do not live your life just going through the motions of life. For a long time, I saw the world in black and white after I lost my daughter… And my clothes reflected that mood. Aloha Glamour changed that for me and I want it to do the same for you!!!

But it’s more than just skirts for me.

Aloha Glamour is THE lifestyle movement that promotes women to love themselves whole heartedly while living their life in color.

We are a community of women that empower others as well as assists them with finding their voice, turning their tragedy into a triumph, and helping them build from the inside out.

We want them to be able to feel confident and pretty, while keeping it cute and covered, one skirt at a time.

Aloha Glamour is THE MOVEMENT that is helping EVERY woman be great in their own way and we want them to create a story in each and every skirt they wear.

What’s the color of your story?

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, loss

Three Years Later

Three years ago ,today, was the day my whole world changed.

I had my own notion of grief, before this this day.

I thought it was a sad time that followed the death of a loved one.

And you’d have to push through.

But rather,

There is an absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete, but rather endure.

Grief is not a task to finish, to just move on, but an element of yourself-an alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing things.

A new definition of self.

My baby would have been turning three on tomorrow😢

Rest in heaven Lauren Taylor Williams

Love you always,

Mom

Browngirlswhoblog, Child loss, Grief, lifestyle

Surviving to live

This photo popped up as a Facebook memory this morning.

In this photo was close to 6 months pregnant with Lauren. By this time I had officially come to terms that I was starting completely over, in terms of raising children. My oldest at the time was 12….

When I started Aloha Glamour , in rememberance of her, people kept saying I was brave. I fight the desire to laugh each time it’s said.

I didn’t feel brave.

I felt far from brave.

I was scared.

Terrified.

Heartbroken.

Broken.

I was holding my breath to see if I could survive the journey I was forced to walk.

#alohaglamour #rihlaurentaylor #laurentaylor #motherofangels #mybabyhaswings